If I see one more doodle-drawing fucking sQuiggly gay trailer for an indie movie about a wacky misfit who finds love I'm going to punch Dave Eggers in the cunt. Dave Eggers has a cunt and he is his own cunt. It's complex.
2 kinds of people in the world:
Friday, July 31, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
When I retire to Maine to write my memoirs
"I am the Author of certain memoirs"
--Anonymous
The secret to writing your memoirs is that you don't ever have to actually write your memoirs. If you come up with some good titles you are 99% there. You can make yourself sound really distinguished with the proper title...
I Figured Out Where Jesus Was Hiding: The Alex Daboub Story
Don't Forget to Floss: The Alex Daboub Story
I didn't know I had a Cousin: The Alex Daboub Story
You see what I mean?: The Alex Daboub Story
You see what I mean? You can write anything. It has weight when it's memoirs.
Under the Volcano --- Again I watched this. This time because I'm so far from Mexico and I miss the little guy. Good movie; drinking yourself to death never looked so good.
--Anonymous
The secret to writing your memoirs is that you don't ever have to actually write your memoirs. If you come up with some good titles you are 99% there. You can make yourself sound really distinguished with the proper title...
I Figured Out Where Jesus Was Hiding: The Alex Daboub Story
Don't Forget to Floss: The Alex Daboub Story
I didn't know I had a Cousin: The Alex Daboub Story
You see what I mean?: The Alex Daboub Story
You see what I mean? You can write anything. It has weight when it's memoirs.
Under the Volcano --- Again I watched this. This time because I'm so far from Mexico and I miss the little guy. Good movie; drinking yourself to death never looked so good.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
False Daboubs
"This is the real Daboub"
--Daboub
You can tell the real Daboub by his fur. Scientists have recently noticed that false Daboub sightings can be avoided by noting the differences in fur-color between individuals. Daboubs are basically tawny colored animals, but false-Daboubs have spots that fade as they grow.
--Daboub
You can tell the real Daboub by his fur. Scientists have recently noticed that false Daboub sightings can be avoided by noting the differences in fur-color between individuals. Daboubs are basically tawny colored animals, but false-Daboubs have spots that fade as they grow.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Twin Peaks
"Don't mix the compost with the recycling"
---The Governor
I saw the Twin Peaks Waterfall, and I had coffee at the Twin Peaks diner place. Bob tried to rape me. He's silly! There were old people there. I bought a Twin Peaks map for 2 dollars from a high school student. It was basically written in crayon and had no relationship to the Earth- realm. I saw some stuff. It's paradise here: I'm rich, there's candy everywhere, fruit is freeeeeeeee, China town exists, I play Galaga. Water is wet.
The Space Needle is ubiQuitous and all powerful in this city. It is a looming nightmare that haunts every resident of Seattle. It is somehow around every corner, visible from every window in your house, underwater sometimes, and isn't properly adjusted for distance or perspective. I'm scared of it, and I think everyone else is too. It has Occult properties that I haven't come to terms with yet.
Frasier --- I OD'ed on the PNW at the moment I was drinking coffee and watching Frasier in Seattle. All the characters are introduced within the first 30 seconds of the pilot. It's brilliant. I have no idea what to say about Frasier. He's the doctah.
---The Governor
I saw the Twin Peaks Waterfall, and I had coffee at the Twin Peaks diner place. Bob tried to rape me. He's silly! There were old people there. I bought a Twin Peaks map for 2 dollars from a high school student. It was basically written in crayon and had no relationship to the Earth- realm. I saw some stuff. It's paradise here: I'm rich, there's candy everywhere, fruit is freeeeeeeee, China town exists, I play Galaga. Water is wet.
The Space Needle is ubiQuitous and all powerful in this city. It is a looming nightmare that haunts every resident of Seattle. It is somehow around every corner, visible from every window in your house, underwater sometimes, and isn't properly adjusted for distance or perspective. I'm scared of it, and I think everyone else is too. It has Occult properties that I haven't come to terms with yet.
Frasier --- I OD'ed on the PNW at the moment I was drinking coffee and watching Frasier in Seattle. All the characters are introduced within the first 30 seconds of the pilot. It's brilliant. I have no idea what to say about Frasier. He's the doctah.
Monday, June 29, 2009
I ate Glass?
"I ate glass"
---Alex "Bolo" Daboub
I haven't written in forever. I think I'm brain dead. All I think about is money and jobs and getting jobs and whether I have too much time to think about jobs.
Cooked some noodles. I bought this dubious paste from an Asian grocery store named "black bean chili." Andrew told me to. I cooked a recipe he gave me that involves noodles and shrimp and vegetables. So I cooked it, and it tasted really great, but I wasn't banking on biting into literal GLASS. There are pieces of ground up glass in it. No jokez. I blame the black bean chili paste because it's from China, and China is mostly glass. Fuck you China! Cheenore. First Tiananmen SQuare and now this. You're really blowing it.
F.T.W.
The Decline of Western Civilization Part 2: The Metal Years --- Obviously good. Why even ask? L.A. is sleazy. L.A. used to be more sleazy by a factor that is incalculable. This movie is about hair-metal dudes. It's the bottom of the barrel of culture. It's just like The Decline of Civiliztion Part 1 but no one ever says anything funny or smart. (except Lemmy from Motorhead)
---Alex "Bolo" Daboub
I haven't written in forever. I think I'm brain dead. All I think about is money and jobs and getting jobs and whether I have too much time to think about jobs.
Cooked some noodles. I bought this dubious paste from an Asian grocery store named "black bean chili." Andrew told me to. I cooked a recipe he gave me that involves noodles and shrimp and vegetables. So I cooked it, and it tasted really great, but I wasn't banking on biting into literal GLASS. There are pieces of ground up glass in it. No jokez. I blame the black bean chili paste because it's from China, and China is mostly glass. Fuck you China! Cheenore. First Tiananmen SQuare and now this. You're really blowing it.
F.T.W.
The Decline of Western Civilization Part 2: The Metal Years --- Obviously good. Why even ask? L.A. is sleazy. L.A. used to be more sleazy by a factor that is incalculable. This movie is about hair-metal dudes. It's the bottom of the barrel of culture. It's just like The Decline of Civiliztion Part 1 but no one ever says anything funny or smart. (except Lemmy from Motorhead)
Thursday, June 18, 2009
More About What Southern Blacks Eat
“Cannabis is the Divine Inheritance given to all people by Mother Earth so that we may unlock the mystery of the many and varied messages of the Pure One”
--- uhhhhhh,I don't know. John F. Kennedy??
I'm here to talk to you about polk salad, aka poke, pokebush, pokeberry, pokeroot, polk salat, polk sallet, pokeberry, or inkberry. Jesus, stop naming it already. Of course, this is another thing Andrew told me about. This should just be his blag and not my blagh. In any case, the pokweed is an herb which grows in the southern United States, ya heard me. It contains deadly poison. Back in the olden days black folks and southerens didn't have too much to eat. Somehow they figured out that if you boiled pokeweed like a million times it removed enough of the deathpoison that they could choke it down. They decided to call it polk salad and poke and about 500 other names. Isn't that bonkers? Some people decided that it had medicinal properties, and I totally agree. Also, the fucking United States Declaration of Independence was written in pokeweed-berry-juice-ink, so show some respect. Jesus. It's called wikipedia, deal with it.
Oh, and this too:
90210 --- Brandon, that fucking cad, of course tries to have ANOTHER romance with an inappropriate chick. This time it's a woman of undetermined middle-age who turns out to be dating a married sports promoter. Oh Brandon, when will you ever learn? As usual, if he would have listened to Dylan's cryptic advice about her, he could have saved himself a lot of gay-heartbreak. Just start listening to Dylan, idiot. He's like a surfing Confucius with a sports car. Dylan, in an occult death-pact with Allah, surfs too close to the sun and nearly bites it. He ends up with broken ribs, hanging out in his gay pajamas, and in Brenda's house because Mrs. Walsh feels sorry for him. I mean, he's practically a bastard-child. Most mystics are. What's happening to me?
Whatever Works --- Uh, I just heard that Larry David is the star of the new Woody Allen movie. This could be the defining cultural moment of my life or a total disaster. I'm sceeeered.
--- uhhhhhh,I don't know. John F. Kennedy??
I'm here to talk to you about polk salad, aka poke, pokebush, pokeberry, pokeroot, polk salat, polk sallet, pokeberry, or inkberry. Jesus, stop naming it already. Of course, this is another thing Andrew told me about. This should just be his blag and not my blagh. In any case, the pokweed is an herb which grows in the southern United States, ya heard me. It contains deadly poison. Back in the olden days black folks and southerens didn't have too much to eat. Somehow they figured out that if you boiled pokeweed like a million times it removed enough of the deathpoison that they could choke it down. They decided to call it polk salad and poke and about 500 other names. Isn't that bonkers? Some people decided that it had medicinal properties, and I totally agree. Also, the fucking United States Declaration of Independence was written in pokeweed-berry-juice-ink, so show some respect. Jesus. It's called wikipedia, deal with it.
Oh, and this too:
90210 --- Brandon, that fucking cad, of course tries to have ANOTHER romance with an inappropriate chick. This time it's a woman of undetermined middle-age who turns out to be dating a married sports promoter. Oh Brandon, when will you ever learn? As usual, if he would have listened to Dylan's cryptic advice about her, he could have saved himself a lot of gay-heartbreak. Just start listening to Dylan, idiot. He's like a surfing Confucius with a sports car. Dylan, in an occult death-pact with Allah, surfs too close to the sun and nearly bites it. He ends up with broken ribs, hanging out in his gay pajamas, and in Brenda's house because Mrs. Walsh feels sorry for him. I mean, he's practically a bastard-child. Most mystics are. What's happening to me?
Whatever Works --- Uh, I just heard that Larry David is the star of the new Woody Allen movie. This could be the defining cultural moment of my life or a total disaster. I'm sceeeered.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Some Things to Think About
"Haile Selassie I, the former, and final, Emporer of Ethiopia is the incarnation of God, called Jah or Jah Rastafari"
--- My Mom
Black folks often will say "Ya heard me?!" in New Orleans after a sentence. Like, "I want to eat some rice, ya heard me!?" It's the eQuivalent of white folks who say, " I want to eat some seaweed, ya know what I mean?!" Which brings me to another point: black folks eat rice. I heard southern blacks eat a lot of rice. For some reason this really surprises me. I just can't imagine it. So, are black people in the South the new Asians? Then what are Southern Asians eating? Do they eat carrots? Who eats carrots? What do carrots eat?
I live on the 2nd story of this house in Seattle. There's a lot of weirdos who pass under my windows all day. Most of them wear little skateboards as a hat and obscure their faces with peanut butter. Some of the bigger ones are making toast to pay off their student loans.
Dixie Dynamite --- Warren Oates is this drunk guy who races motorcycles for money. His friend makes moonshine all day and has two sexpot southern daughters who run around in little shorts and pigtails. All pretty straightforward so far, right? So the man comes down on the father and kills him in a shootout involving the feds. Uh, then a bunch of other shit happens to the daughters until they get pushed OVER THE EDGE, son. At that point, they steal a couple of motorcycles and a bunch of dynamite, and they go on a Bonnie and Bonnie style crime spree across the South blowing shit up with the dynamite. Can you imagine a better plot for a movie than that? And then Oates is like, "Fuck The World."
--- My Mom
Black folks often will say "Ya heard me?!" in New Orleans after a sentence. Like, "I want to eat some rice, ya heard me!?" It's the eQuivalent of white folks who say, " I want to eat some seaweed, ya know what I mean?!" Which brings me to another point: black folks eat rice. I heard southern blacks eat a lot of rice. For some reason this really surprises me. I just can't imagine it. So, are black people in the South the new Asians? Then what are Southern Asians eating? Do they eat carrots? Who eats carrots? What do carrots eat?
I live on the 2nd story of this house in Seattle. There's a lot of weirdos who pass under my windows all day. Most of them wear little skateboards as a hat and obscure their faces with peanut butter. Some of the bigger ones are making toast to pay off their student loans.
Dixie Dynamite --- Warren Oates is this drunk guy who races motorcycles for money. His friend makes moonshine all day and has two sexpot southern daughters who run around in little shorts and pigtails. All pretty straightforward so far, right? So the man comes down on the father and kills him in a shootout involving the feds. Uh, then a bunch of other shit happens to the daughters until they get pushed OVER THE EDGE, son. At that point, they steal a couple of motorcycles and a bunch of dynamite, and they go on a Bonnie and Bonnie style crime spree across the South blowing shit up with the dynamite. Can you imagine a better plot for a movie than that? And then Oates is like, "Fuck The World."
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