Saturday, November 19, 2011

Angry Nerds ---

my Q's are fixed

hey everybody, this guy Joe fixed my Q button. Look qqqqqq. Little q's. For like 3 years, my computer had a broken q button, and I could only do capital Q's. those days are over now. Bask in the glory of my unlimited lower case q's.

Friday, November 11, 2011


I'm not even going to begin to talk about how long it's been since I wrote anything or what I was doing. To quote Jacob Stewart, "It is unknown and unlawful." Yeah, I'm in Colorado. This place is hard to figure out. There are like at least 3 genres of Colorado dudes. I have only fully come to grips with 2 thus far:

1. There is the native Colorado dude. This guy is a total freak. He grew up in the wilderness. His parents grew weed in the 60's. OR, he is like a rancher who is NOT cool with hippies and drives a pick-up truck and hates the Government. He has A LOT OF GUNS. Notice the wild look in his eye.

2. The transplant. This guy is like this:
He is from like Wisconsin or something. If you ask this guy where he is from, his placid face will contort into a mask of pain and fright. He will say, "I've been here for a really long time." You will notice that this isn't what you asked him. You will pause, studying his face; he is being defiant. "Yeah but like where did you live before that?" You have broken a social contract. "I've been here for 20 years," he will say. Maybe give up now.
As far as I can tell there is a state-run contest to be the most legit Colorado local possible, and whoever was here first wins like a pair of North Face hiking pants? It's very strange.
It reminds me of what I've always assumed Alaska is like. I've never been to Alaska, but I lived in Seattle which is like the hologram of Alaska. (Don't think about this analogy too strenuously) Anyway, I've always sensed that Alaska is FULL of people who are running away from something in the "Lower 48." I'm guessing most of them robbed Brink's Trucks in 1977, and are now on the lam, living under false names like "Bruce." I get the same vibe from dudes I meet here. They are reluctant to talk about the past, seem slightly damaged and spooky, and are weirdly single for their age. Maybe they murdered their wives? In Iowa?
Now, these dudes have certain physical characteristics... They are oddly young-looking for their age, which is invariably 41. They are perfect genetically modified hybrids of a 25 year old and a 45 year old. They have messy, short hair with a tasteful amount of gray. They wear outdoorsy corduroy pants with some sort of fleece whose brand name I haven't yet come to terms with. Goddam right he's wearing Oakley's with that thing that keeps them attached to his head:

This man surprisingly has no beard, but wears a baseball cap from time to time. He has 3 tattoos. One is tribal, one is a compass, and one is a bird. He killed his wife!!!!!

I watched a lot of movies, but I only have the energy to talk about one right now, ok?

Attack the Block
--- Man, you are thinking I hated this movie. It's about South London gangster kids who have to defeat alien invaders. You're wrong! It was charming. I'm becoming soft.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Cool White

"This one's for Allah, and it's going way out there, suckaaa."
----- Ahmad from The Bad News Bears (1976, duh)

This is a special edition of The Spacemovie. This will be devoted to one man.
A man named Cool White. This is a shout out bl-g and a profile of the man who is also a guy who is also a dude we know with a name...
and that name is Nathan "Cool White" Miller. The man Cool White is a man that I know, and ostensibly his name derives from some light bulb or something, but we all know the real meaning is more esoteric, more in tune with a higher language not known by men of this World. To name is to describe the essential nature and aesthetic soul of the thing. In fact, when one is near Cool White, one automatically becomes, by comparison, an Uncool shadow of themselves. They become a character named Uncool White (or Uncool Black, or Uncool Hindu, or whatever your particular race happens to be. For instance, I become Uncool Jew.)

Here, I will show you proof.
Look what happened to my cup! I was casually drinking some water with Cool White, and suddenly it was all made very clear. Our cups were labeled for us by an unseen influence. Do you know who you are? I certainly know who I am now. I am UNCOOL. These words were not written by human hands, I assure you. These are the words of a higher Agency, the tenets of a higher Law. These are the dictates of The Ein Sof, the אין סוף, the Limitless One, the Unmoved Mover, the ού κινούμενον κινεῖ, and those are Judgements which cannot be challenged. Not even by Sonia Sotamayor.

Two Weeks Notice - I'm a sucker for Hugh Grant. I admit it. He's fucking charming, ok? He's like the posh, English Woody Allen. Think about it. This movie is exactly OK.

Bad News Bears (1976) - This movie rules the fucking school. First of all, I'll pretty much watch anything with Walter Matthau in it. This movie is one of the only things on the face of the Earth that could be considered "heart-warming" that I don't hate with all of my being. I'm not into anything where it says "inspiring" on the box. So it is a testament to this movie's amzingness that I find it not only heart-warming, but also "cute," and I don't to barf on it. I actually love it. It's hilarious and Burt Lancaster's son wrote it.

Saturday, June 19, 2010


I just saw this sign in my neighborhood. There's something wrong with it.

Friday, June 18, 2010

All Cats are Gray - Comeback Tour 2010

I was busy moving back and forth across the country compulsively, and I haven't written anything in many, many months. I'm sorry bl-g g-ds. Well, now I am feeling pretty settled here in Seattle, and I intend to renew the horrible experiment called The Spacemovie. Mainly because all of my fans are clamoring for it so intensely, and I can't sleep with them banging on my windows... So, on the count of 3.

"When all candles be out, all cats be gray"
---John Heywood

"All cats are grey in the dark"
--- Benjamin Franklin

"In the caves all cats are grey"
--- Robert Smith

All Cats are Gray is the best song by the cure. I decided to do some internet research to try to figure out what the title means... The Quote is attributed to Benjamin Franklin, and it is supposedly his explanation of why you should "take an older woman to bed." Well, some other guy said it before he did supposedly... Either way, a couple hundred years later, the Cure had a song called "All Cats are Grey," and it's their best song ever. My friend Dana told me in 1996 that this was her favorite Cure song of all time, and I kept meaning to listen to it for roughly ten years. I kept putting it off until a few months ago, when I finally got around to it, and I'll be damned if she wasn't right. It's their best song dooooood.

Here is an appropriately maudlin video with the song:

I saw many movies. Here's a few:

Paris is Burning
High Noon
The Hands of Orlac
Lizard in a Woman's Skin
Phase IV
The Terror

Some were good, I really can't review them all. Get off my back.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Pizza is...... OK

"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn - which translates to: "In his house at R'lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming."
--- HP Lovecraft

Today I was eating a salad, and I found this suspicious looking thing in it. It looked like a hair at first, but upon further inspection, I realized with growing alarm that it might be an antenna. It looks like a tube sort of with brown rings around it. I can't keep eating my salad until I know what's going on with this thing. It could be some sort of plant matter I guess. I am trying to ask the internet what an antenna is made of, but it's sort of not telling me what I want to know. The thing is, eating bugs is the worst thing that you can ever do in your whole life, and you have to avoid it all cost.

Sort of related is that I heard the most insane thing on BBC radio thing last night. They were talking about drone planes and the research the is doing on robotic soldiers. They're trying to create robots who could go out and kill people for us. The best part of this is that they are working on one that uses organic fuel to sustain itself.

"It can refuel itself on long journeys by scavenging for organic material - which raises the haunting spectre of a machine consuming corpses on the battlefield.

Its inventor, Dr Robert Finkelstein of Robotic Technology Inc, insists it will consume "organic material but mostly vegetarian."

Do scientists just sit around watching the scariest sci-fi movies they can find and then turn in book reports on them? That's how they get their ideas? I really hope they make a bunch of man-eating robots and they (obviously) will go berserk and try to take over the world.

Blood in Blood out - This movie is the most epic thing I've seen since Lawrence of Arabia. It's way more entertaining than I thought it would be. The best is that they say the title of the movie in the movie... twice! So validating.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2 : Secret of the Ooze ---

So good. So good. I was thinking... those turtles sure do love pizza. what's the deal with pizza? (seinfeld voice) Like how did pizza win out as the
official food of partying? Liking pizza a lot is really what makes them "TEENAGE." Then Vanilla Ice was in the movie, and I was trying to figure out how we ever accepted him as a valid person in the 90's. What were we doing?