Diabolical Signature

"A diabolical signature is the signature of a devil, demon or similar spirit, usually used in order to sign your soul away."
--- My Attorney Barry Silverman

So I just finished working on this reality show called "Camping with the In-Laws." It's going to be for Lifetime. They made me sign this:























That seems normal right? It's written in backwards Latin and several demons' names are listed. I guess I should have a lawyer look at it. All I know is that it's over, I'm slightly richer, my soul slightly deader, and my back hurts a lot.

Communion --- Christopher Walken playing a writer in New York who keeps getting abducted by aliens, and they touch his bottom. Really cool. This is the most Walken I've ever seen Walken get. It's like a Walken overdose. I have been trying so crazily hard to master an impression of him and it is literally impossible. His true nature is elsusive. His speech pattern is bizarre-o. It's like part Brooklyn tough guy but with this alien weirdo delivery like he's choking or something. It's so frustrating. I wish there was a class at Austin Community College devoted to mastering Walken. The movie has hilarious lines where Walken is talking to aliens and being carted off to their spaceship. The aliens themselves look really cool, and are not CGI or any gay shit like that. Good movie.
Note: Walken wearing underwear and cowboy boots.

Everyone: Get Gayer

"Je suis l'Empire a la fin de la decadence - I am the empire at the end of the decadence" --- Paul Verlaine

Here is a visual representation of what Seattle is like:















Add to this: women mowing lawns with electric lawnmowers, men cowering in fear, glasses, 35 year olds doing cabaret on every block, good beer, responsibility, famed Subarus, bicycle helmets, precocious children, new wave hot dogs, heavy metal, recycling, luxuriating plant life, beards, early bedtimes, the Devil, wee-wee, and hummus and you've it pretty much figured out.

It's like the good guys won and they don't have anything to fight for anymore so they turned into fat mush, and they enforce insane regulations on each other for kicks. It's Animal Farm.

I got on the internet today... ON A PLANE!!!!!!!!!!! I am the future. Cower before me! It's a thing. You can do it too. It costs money but it is the future.

Track of the Cat --- Robert Mitchum chases a black panther (actual panther) around with a gun for 1 whole movie. His family stays behind and talks about stuff and drinks whiskey. Really good. Technicolor. If I wasn't so tired, I could say smart stuff.

I need a Job

AUDIENCE MEMBER: I wanna know what you are trying to contribute to society.
EL DUCE: Well, I'll tell ya. A bunch of illiterate children. Children without a father.


Shows here in Seattle all start at 8 PM and they cost between 12 and 15 dollars, at least. It's fucked. It's symptomatic of how people here are pussies in some ways. Also they are a bunch of highly educated white people who feel so guilty all of the time that their whole lives consist of worshiping: gays, rap-music, stupid fucking graffiti "art", liberated female sexuality, and they let their children be their bosses. This place is turning me into a reactionary NRA member. I mean 2 of that list of things are pretty good, but when you get a bunch of sQuares with Subarus together to watch some ugly girls do Cabaret, it can get bleak.

Ninth Configuration --- Fuck it. I can't explain. Not good but has biker scene at end. If you have to watch any of this, make it the end.

Beverly Hills 90210 Andrea Zuckerman is growing on me. Brandon is a total fag (which means straight). Dylan reads Lord Byron and is a surfing hard-ass. Brenda did stand-up comedy, it was DUMB.

Can Hieronymus Merkin Ever Forget Mercy Humppe and Find True Happiness? --- Oh man, what a piece of crud. This is one of the worst things ever. Total 60's self-indulgent madness from one of the most most unlikeable people I have EVER seen on a screen of any kind ever. I was warned that this was bad, but I had no idea. Highlights: Milton Berle dressed in red robes holding a headless sacrificial chicken.

Caged Heat --- Best thing that the hack Jonathan Demme ever did. Probably one of the most canonical of the "women in prison" movies. Less boobs and girl-fighting than one would expect. Not bad.

Get Gorp

"...whores, all of them. Decadent little monsters, I need to find me some loose ass, I love women."
--- El Duce, from The Runnin' Kind


There's an unusually large number of cults and weird UFO worshipers up here in this neck of the woods. Just an observation we've made.




The Runnin' Kind --- Another LA punk rock movie. This one's about a guy who is a yuppie college student in Akron, Ohio who meets a punk chick and moves to LA. These movies always remind me of how weird and cool LA can be. The best part is when El Duce makes a cameo appearance as a drunk guy at a sleazy punk party. The main guy turns out to be such a homo non-punk that it's pretty hilarious. He is supposedly hanging out with the grimiest punks in LA, but he's all worried about his mommy seeing him with a mohawk or something. Then he gayly decides he wants his friend to take his picture so he can "remember this night forever."

Beverly Hills 90210 --- My friend Andrew has every episode on some bookleg discs he got from the internet gods. Did you know that if you buy the official DVD release of this, they took all of the original music out and replaced it with modern day lame-ass Nelly and bullshit like that? Like they thought modern audiences couldn't hang with listening to 90's music. That's the whole point of the show is to immerse yourself in the culture of being an early 90's high-school student and burying your face in the bossom of Brenda Walsh. So as far as I can tell, you have to get behind Steve Sanders early on.

Craigslist

"Devil, get thee behind me." --- Jeebu

So, I'm a weird Craigslist creep now. In the past week I have bought: a bicycle, 3 super 8mm projectors, and a ticket for My Bloody Valentine. Who am I? Seattle! Let go of meeeeeeeeeee.

I heard on the radio about these dudes from the 50's called the Brooklyn Thrill Killers. They were 4 Jewish teenagers who were neo-Nazis, and they had Hitler mustaches. They got really into going to the park and attacking people with bull-whips. What? Then they killed a couple of people and 2 of them went to jail. They were influenced by comic books. I think this is reason enough to ban any future production of those brain-dead comic book movies the kids seem to love so much. I can't tell yet if it's cool to be a neo-nazi Jew. I'll try it this week and get back to you.


Six Thousand Dollar Nigger a.k.a. Super Soul Brother --- So Zach and Lars from The Alamo Drafthouse were here this weekend on some movie-showing tour. This movie was ridiculous. It was like an even more low-budget Dolemite with a poor-man's Rudy Ray Moore, this guy Wildman Steve. Pretty sleazy and fun.


















Deadly Spawn --- Another really low-budget movie, but way different. This one's a favorite of nerds and horror weirdos. It's the standard slimy aliens eating people formula, but they did some legitimately cool stuff with it.