El Paso Theory

"I killed my father, I ate human flesh, and I Quiver with joy."
---some guy

Dearest Bloggie,
I haven't written in a while. I went to this cave the other day with Hannah called Cascade Caverns, and it was retarded. When we walked in there was this kid wearing tight jeans, his septum was pierced, and all of these other terrible things I can't bear to think about. He completely interrupts the guy who was selling us tickets and said "Where are you guys from? Austin? You know Cory Smith(?) or Mark Jones(?) (some cracker names like these), they are like way into the scene." At that point I blacked out, but he kept going on like this for a while. I was just forcing myself to look away from him and stare intently into the eyes of the man selling the tickets. He was obviously embarrassed by the kid who was now saying that his friends are the "hosts of South by Southwest." I fled.

We went outside and were waiting for our tour guide under some flag poles. It suddenly dawned on me that maybe that guy was going to be our tour guide. I shuddered internally, but assured myself that no one would let such an idiotic cunt "guide" anything . Just then the door of the office opens, and I see this motherfucker, now wearing sunglasses and carrying a flashlight, walking towards us in slow motion. "I can't do this," I said. We literally almost got in my car and drove away, but some demonic force kept us rooted to the spot where we stood. He eventually was projected to us by black magick and sorcery, and his hideous voice once again bubbled out of his "mouth." He said, "Are you guys going to the CFI(?) show," or some bullshit like that. The gentleman continued, "They are an industrial-techno band with a punk edge." We said we had no idea what the fuck he was talking about. He laughed with incredulity. "You don't know them!? How could that be?"

We began our descent into the cave. This was not a very good cave. There were pipes everywhere and cables and it was sort of trashy, if a cave can be trashy. I kept trying to steer the conversation towards the cave-related and away from stupid cracker-ass bands, weed, and every other retarded thing this small town asshole wanted to talk to us about. The problem was that he knew nothing about the cave. He kept pointing out rocks that looked like different things: this rock looks like Charlie Brown, and there is a turtle. At the end of the cave was a huge pool of blue water. He must have seen this pool 500 times in his cave tourguiding career. I asked why the water was this strange blue color, and it seemed as if he had never even noticed it or heard of pools of water in his life. This cave is run by the worst employees any business has ever had.

As we were ascending, we passed this other guide with a family. This guide says to our guide, "Heyman, I've gotta take off early, I'm gonna add my group to your group and take off." He was talking about them as if they weren't there. Ours says, "Noman, my girlfriend ran into a deer, I'm leaving too." They are arguing about having to deal with us, in front of us , and we are standing around looking at each other so embarrassed. It was awful, terrible horrible, I know nothing about that goddamned cave. All I learned is that small town teenagers are the worst shit in the world, and especially the ones who have ideas about being cool and escaping to the "big city." I swear, it's always these hillbilly cuntz who are the most annoying people you have to deal with because they are totally overcompensating for their provincial upbringing. I call this my "El Paso Theory" because whenever I see some idiot with stupid hair, trying way too hard with his wacky sunglasses, who has way too much reverence for gay ass rock and roll bands, I just know he is from El Paso or some place like that.

It's the same with gays sometimes. Most of the super flamboyant gays who look like they are trying to become the Platonic form of gayness with bleached hair and stuff come from small towns as well. They had to hide their gayness their whole lives or were picked on and now are letting it all hang out. This isn't always true, of course, but it happens a lot.
Look at this:



The thing is, I know that I will inevitably see that tour guiding nightmare at some place like Emo's in like 2 years, and I am dreading it, and it makes me want to wear a suit and vote for George W. Bush to be Emperor of the Universe Forever just because it is all so embarrassing and it just seems right to do the most reactionary thing I can think of.


Besides that, I went to a pumpkin carving party that was fun, and I figured out a new way to go back in time which I will talk about once I do a post about my list of ways to go back in time. I worked on an ad for Obama, and I am trying to figure out what a good subject for a documentary would be.

love,
alex

"Films of Kenneth Anger" I really enjoyed "Scorpio Rising." It's a good document of weird NY sleazy bikers in the 60's and some other stuff I'm too tired to remember right now.

"Sins of the Fleshapoids" I found it sort of boring but I should give it another chance.

"Neon Genesis: Evangelian" I'm a sucker for this one. It does incorporate so many of my favorite things: giant robots, it's post-apocalyptic, an underground city named Tokyo-3, Japanese school children, and a pet penguin. Come on.